Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Presenting the new and improved: Ideal Rigid Connector!

Have you ever tired of flawed, weak, ordinary matter, that yields, and fractures, and melts? Have you ever wondered precisely what would happen in a given engineering scenario, or chafed that your materials did something entirely different from your first order idealized analysis? Have those pesky nonlinearities, inconstancies, and tightly bound performance envelopes of flawed earthly matter ever ruined your perfect plan? Well, with the new and improved ideal rigid connecting rod, all this is about to change! The Ideal Platonic Form Corp (LLC) (patent … uh … pending) Ideal Rigid Connecting Rod is made from new and unimprovable Idealized Matter ™. The properties of which are given below:

Ideal Matter - Physical Properties Summary
Yield Stress infinity MPa
Ultimate Stress infinity MPa
Cp infinity J/kg-K
Thermal Conductivity infinity W/m-K
Density 0 kg/m^3
Hardness infinity Brinell
Young's Modulus infinity MPa
Shear Modulus infinity MPa
Poisson's Ratio 0.33333
Electrical Resistivity 0 Ohm-m
Melting Temperature infinity K
Radiative Emmissivity 0
Fracture Toughness infinity MPa-m^0.5
Thermal Expansion 0 m/m-K

Your ideal rigid connector is made of 100% pure Idealized Matter, with two 1-cm diameter Ideal Ball-and Socket Joints (patent … uh… pending) on the end for interface. Of course, the development of Idealized Matter did not come about without a lot of effort. The initial production process is a strict secret. One of the chief difficulties was machining idealized matter into a usable form. Obviously, with infinite hardness and yield stress, not to mention fracture toughness, putting a dent in the material is a challenge. Known physics still does not tell you what happens when you try to machine Idealized Matter using Idealized Matter.

Fortunately for us, several blunted diamond drill bits, fried chemical pulse lasers, and destroyed carbide lathe tools later, we developed our unique Magic ™ Machining Process, whereby … something happens … and the final product comes out as per the drawing below!

An initial problem working with the matter was its identically zero density. The velocity of the material ended up being unconstrained by the forces exerted on it, leading to some unfortunate incidents with it accelerating instantly to the speed of light. This prompted us to put a bit of normal matter into the interfaces on the end.

Work with the initial Ideal Rod was delayed due to some unfortunate incidents attempting to interface to a zero radius part of infinite hardness and apply any meaningful resisting load. The original rod, unconstrained by either gravity or the ceiling went sailing off into deep space at the speed of light. To rectify this, the Ideal Ball and Socket Joints were added to manipulate the object.

Advice for using your Ideal Connecting Rod:

Never attempt to interface with the zero diameter rod portion of the rod (unless you want to use it as a cheese cutter). Also, do not attempt to weld or bond to the rod, since the material will not melt, and has a zero surface friction coefficient – it simply will not bond.

If you live in a state where the laws of physics are recognized, you could face severe civil and legal penalties for the unauthorized use of Idealized Matter. Though on the surface, these physical properties appear to be unrelated to each other, the idealization of a property for several sets of first order analyses end up generating contradictory properties, or rendering other laws of physics indeterminate with respect to the behavior of the substance. The very existence of Idealized Matter ™ may violate other more general laws of physics. Examples include the yield strength/fracture toughness/hardness set, and the difficulty in determining the temperature of idealized matter due to its zero density and infinite specific heat capacity.

Due to it’s zero resistivity (Ideal Supercondctivity ™), we do not recommend waving the ideal rigid connecting rod around next to high voltage lines, or during a thunderstorm.

Ordering Information:

Your Ideal Rigid Connecting rod is available at the low low (ideal) price of $0.00. Make your checks payable to the Ideal Platonic Form Corp (LLC), and send to our mailing address below:

381 Thisisnota Street
Espamville, Nigeria, 000-0000

By way of
1239 Lolwhatasucker Bvd.
Townonfastwheels, Dirkidirkistan.

(***NOTE: For those of you too devoid of humor to recognize that this is a joke - this is, in fact a joke. Do not send money to Nigeria (or Dirkidirkistan). If you do, don't come threatening me with a lawsuit).


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home